Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
