I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
how drunk are you?
Several
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
