Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
