Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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