I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
