I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
