The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
