I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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