you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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