it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
