all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
