What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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