I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Just high enough for therapy.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
