Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
