Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I love having hate sex.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
