What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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