I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
