Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
