Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
