SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
honey bunches of taint.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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