did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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