and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
