Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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