Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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