Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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