I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
