I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
