Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
