I'm lost and stupid without you.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
