The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
