i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
