Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
