Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
