god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
