State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
