I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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