the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
