If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
