My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Panties = found
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
