So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
