I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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