glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
