I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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