hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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