you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
