So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
