Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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