I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
