We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
