i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
