She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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