When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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